For better or for worse, I’m not usually one to stay quiet when there is an option to speak. I was the kindergartener (and first grader, and middle schooler, and college student) whose hand shot up repeatedly throughout class (though I was a bit more cool and casual about it by the time I got to university; my social life thanked me).
I rarely feel shy about introducing myself to others or sharing an idea at a work meeting; I’m quick to express appreciation and offer compliments to strangers; and when a call goes out for volunteers to be a lector at church or speak at an event, I’m happy to sign up.
Perhaps because I typically chime in, I can remember clearly two times when I didn’t but should have.
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The first time occurred on an airplane when a fellow passenger grew belligerent with a flight attendant, at least partially because of my actions. The plane had landed and was slowly taxiing (and taxiing and taxiing) about the runway, much to my chagrin considering that I had a tight connection to make.
Fueled by anxious energy, I made the admittedly selfish decision to pop my carry-on suitcase from the overhead bin, several rows back, and bring it with me into my seat to save deboarding time once the plane eventually parked at the gate. I wasn’t alone in my choice, as others were in the same boat, and it quickly became apparent that we had agitated one of our fellow travelers.
He called the flight attendant over and began berating her for poorly handling the crowd of impatient bag-gatherers. “This is not safe and you are not doing your job! No one should be standing, let alone getting their bags, and I will be reporting you.” I felt bad for the flight attendant, but because I was both embarrassed by my behavior and uneager to put my bag back, I put my head down and stayed quiet.
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The second instance in which I regret not speaking up took place during a church meeting where a controversial topic was being debated and voted upon. I had been attending the church for just about a year – which felt like a nanosecond compared to the rest of the congregants – and so I was disinclined to voice concerns that went against the grain of the majority opinion on the matter at hand. I kept my mouth shut despite my worries about the financial implications of the decision on the table, and now, two years later, as the church continues to face repercussions for a fiscally irresponsible choice, I regret my choice to remain silent.
Looking back on these two situations with the 20/20 vision that hindsight offers, here’s what I would have done differently:
Apologize for my mistakes
On that runway in Toronto, I made a selfish – if also understandable – decision to break the plane rules and retrieve my bag early. My choice could have impacted no one, but in this case, it did: It made a fellow passenger feel unsafe and speak rudely to the flight attendant. The moment I saw the consequences of my action, I should have apologized. I could be wrong, but I bet that a simple, “Hey, this is my fault, not the flight attendant’s. I shouldn’t have gotten my bag early, and I’m so sorry to both of you,” could have done a lot to deescalate the situation.
Stand up in the face of unkind behavior
Even if my apology to my co-passenger didn’t decrease his frustration – heck, even if I hadn’t retrieved my bag early and had no culpability in the situation – I could have defended the flight attendant. Unkindness is never okay, and bystanders have a role to play in advocating on the part of the bullied and letting them know that they are not alone and that the actions of the bully are not condoned.
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Ask questions
In my church example, I was reluctant to be the contrarian new person, and while I don’t think my impulse was bad, it does demonstrate some black-and-white thinking. Between the polar ends of “loudly opposing” and “going along with,” there’s a whole range of possibilities for involvement.
For instance, one middle spot might have involved asking questions like: “Where is the money for this project coming from?” “What happens if we don’t receive the donations that we are assuming we will?” “Is this project in line with the greater mission and priorities of the church?” I could have asked any of these questions non-antagonistically to clarify my own thoughts on the topic as well as to elucidate those of others.
As I reflect on two of the times in my life when I didn’t speak up, I don’t harbor shame or anger towards myself, but I do recognize that I could have reacted differently in the circumstances, and that my behaviors could have made an impact on the people involved. I can’t turn back the clock of time, but I can do the next best thing, which is learn from my regrets and not make the same mistakes again in the future.