
I’m lucky to have friends from all periods of my life (childhood, adolescence, college, and post-grad). As someone who cherishes my friendships and works hard to maintain bonds over time and space, I tend to take it really hard when I have a shifting dynamic or falling out with one of them.
In my adulthood, I’ve learned there are times when it’s appropriate to tackle the situation head-on and make sure all is well with the friendship. I’ve also learned there are times to let someone go and “quiet quit” the friendship without fuss or drama because it’s no longer serving me. Not every situation warrants a sit-down conversation or direct confrontation… sometimes, it’s okay to quietly slip out through the back rather than storm out the front door.
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For me, a big sign that it’s time to quiet quit is if I’m consistently the only person reaching out to make plans and catch up. Also, my own headspace is usually a telltale sign. If I find myself overthinking things I’ve said or texts I’ve sent, and having a nervous or insecure energy around someone, I know something isn’t right.
Match their energy
When I realized it was time to quiet quit a longtime friendship, the first change I made was matching their energy. I used to clear my schedule for this friend and jump to answer their messages promptly. It was a tough adjustment at first to stop prioritizing them the way I always did, but once I got used to it, I was shocked by how much my headspace freed up.
Though it didn’t happen overnight, regaining my inner peace affirmed my decision. Gone were the days of drafting a message hoping to get a response, overthinking the message once it was sent, and feeling bad when I inevitably saw them on social media hanging out with someone else. Stepping back from the friendship helped me realize that maybe it wasn’t the healthiest all along.
Establish new habits to replace old ones
One of the most difficult parts of a relationship changing or ending are all the little goodbyes you encounter along the way. Like a weekly coffee run, annual long weekend trip, or the ways you made each other’s birthdays and milestones special.
When I started matching my friend’s energy, it took a conscious effort to not automatically reach out with an invitation whenever a concert or movie piqued my interest, or whenever Starbucks was having one of those “buy one get one half off” promos that always seem to get me through the door. Coffee dates became a chance to go on a solo #HotGirlWalk, Bargain Tuesday movie nights became a tradition with my boyfriend, and I started directing energy into other friendships that made me feel good.
Invest in your other relationships
I have a tendency to focus on what might go wrong instead of appreciating what is going right in my life (working on it!). This applies to relationships as well. In the past, I’ve gotten super bogged down by a friendship that was drifting or changing and would wallow over canceled plans or unanswered texts.
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When I shifted my energy toward appreciating friends who were reliable about plans and consistent about reaching out, those relationships flourished. I started feeling so much better when I stopped wringing my hands over what could’ve possibly gone wrong with one person and instead focused on nurturing my other friendships.
Accept that friendships go through phases and seasons
When going through a particularly challenging season with a longtime friend, I came across a quote that went something like this: “Not every lifelong friend has to be a best friend, and not every best friend has to be a lifelong friend.”
A childhood friend can still be in my life even if we don’t talk every week or have dinner every month. And a new friend, like someone I’d meet at work or grad school, can quickly become a fixture, even if I’m only at the job or program for a year or two. Accepting that friendships can be situational has freed me up to enjoy the present moment without pressure or expectations.
Hanging out every weekend in high school doesn’t mean we still need to be (or can be) each other’s “go-to” person as adults living in different cities. And becoming fast friends with someone I share an office with doesn’t mean they’ll be at my side when I get married!
Relationships are always in flux because humans are always changing. Things that were important to me in college shifted post-grad, and now as I approach my 30s, my needs and priorities look different than they did even two years ago. Friendships that can withstand the test of time and tides of change are special, and I treasure them.