For most of my life I’ve struggled with a bit of social anxiety, and preparing for a first date with someone has generally made me feel jumpy, nervous, and on edge. The getting-to-know-you questions, the awkward silences, and the ever-looming question of how to end the date (Handshake? Hug? High five?).
While most people are on a mission to find a life partner or potential soulmate, I’ve found dating doesn’t have to be filled with pressure. It can simply be an exercise in finding connection and making a new friend, with the hope of more.
When preparing for a first date, focusing on connection and kindness, rather than checking boxes for compatibility or companionship, can help take the pressure off the interaction. Here are some tips for having a decidedly not-awkward first date.
RELATED: Skip the Small Talk on Dates: Here’s What to Ask Instead
1. Go for a walk
Going for a walk can make it easier to think of conversation topics, answer questions about yourself, and even endure periodic silences all without having to make constant eye contact. When we walk, our hearts pump faster, circulating more blood and oxygen to our muscles and organs, including our brains. Research has shown that during or after exercise, people perform better on memory and attention tests. Walks can also boost your mood, thus putting you — and your date — in a good mental space that feels conducive to building a friendship or relationship.
When my now-spouse and I were first getting to know each other, we spent a lot of time hiking and walking around our city and the surrounding open spaces. We didn’t have a ton of money back then, and it always felt good to get outside without the pressure of a fancy date. Choose a location with other people around and some nice scenery, enjoy the motion, and get walking and talking!
2. Learn something new
My spouse and I recently began volunteering together. We had to learn the ins and outs of the position, and while it wasn’t a first date, it allowed me to see him in a totally different (and incredibly positive!) light.
You can learn a lot about someone by watching them learn. Are they resilient when something is difficult? Can they laugh at themselves? Learning something new together also creates a level playing field. No one comes to the table as an expert, so there’s room for bonding, growth, and friendship building when both people are equally new at something. Choose something fun and engaging like ax throwing, a pottery class, a dance class, or leather working. A personal favorite is cooking classes. There’s something romantic and fun about cooking — and eating — together!
RELATED: How to Avoid Dating Fatigue
3. Enjoy an event
Sometimes outings like dinner feel too long and uncertain for a first date. If the vibe isn’t there, dinner can feel like eons, and no one quite knows how to end the outing. Choosing something like a concert, sporting event, trivia night, or a book reading gives the daters a time block to schedule for, and a clear ending to the date. Check online event calendars for local venues or social media to find events happening in your neighborhood or city. Having an event to focus on will help bridge any conversation gaps and spark new topics of discussion without having to keep a running list of interview-like getting-to-know-you questions in your head.
4. Go read a book!
No, I don’t mean sitting down with a book together! Heading to a bookstore to browse is a great way to spark conversation and get to know someone. Opt for a bookstore with a built-in coffee shop or a cafe nearby, grab an iced coffee, and start roaming! It might help to have a preferred book section in mind to start at and show your date a favorite cookbook, photography collection, or hobby book to begin to get to know one another and what the other person finds interesting and inspiring.
5. Take the pressure off
If you’re too worried about how the date will go, you may not enjoy the time anyway. Recognize that first dates come with a certain degree of discomfort, and accept that — even lean into it and observe how your date deals with the potential awkwardness. If there’s an awkward silence, try allowing a moment or two before you race to fill it with a question. Take a deep breath, don’t fidget, and just sit in the quiet moment. Or, if you go in for a handshake, and they go in for a hug, fight the urge to be embarrassed, and allow yourself to simply smile at the situation.
By taking the pressure off the date to be perfect (let’s face it, it just won’t be!), you can allow yourself and your date the space to enjoy the time together, awkwardness included. You may even be surprised and attracted to your date’s discomfort tolerance, and be inspired to nail down a time for a second date!
First dates are by nature a bit uncomfortable, but by changing your perspective and expecting a little awkwardness, you can learn to have a lot more fun! Go into it expecting to spend time with another human, get to know yourself a little bit better, and enjoy an hour or three doing something interesting or delightful like taking a walk or enjoying a nice meal. You may be pleasantly surprised if you do make a connection. So get out there, make a call, and enjoy yourself!