My spouse and I met in our early 20s and married a couple of years later. We married fairly quickly at a time when online dating was still a little out of the norm, and therefore never saw a bulleted list of one another’s likes and dislikes, preferences, or pet peeves. I’m not sure if we would’ve matched on the apps due to our opposite natures, temperaments, and outlooks on life. While we had enough in common to get married, we’ve always been polar opposites in several ways.
Over a decade and three children later, we’ve found ways to continue connecting, despite having differing ideas about what constitutes recreation, rest, and relaxation. Rather than letting our differences drive us apart, we’ve learned to allow ourselves to grow and expand because of who the other is.
Here are my tips for connecting with a partner when your lives seem contradictory in (almost!) every way.
1. Be willing to experiment
Rigidity is the enemy of connection and experimentation. If you’re not willing to try something that you’re not used to, you may never find those places where you can connect over something new.
My spouse and I have wildly different tastes in food, entertainment, and favorite ways to spend a Saturday afternoon. But we’re both willing to at least try new things. On the weekends, for example, we both like to request just one activity that the other joins us in doing, whether it be our favorite thing to do or not. When we’re both willing to get out of our respective comfort zones, we’re able to grow as people and see each other with a bit more compassion and courage.
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Don’t be afraid to try off-the-beaten-path experiences like pottery throwing, painting classes, Zumba workouts, go-kart racing, or anything your partner might suggest, (even if at first, you don’t want to!).
2. Don’t forget simplicity
A perfect day for me is a hike in the mountains, (and my spouse usually enjoys nature once we get out on the trail!), and his best evening is when we all stay home cozy on the couch or at the table playing games with the whole family. (Which sounds boring to me, but I’m always grateful for the rest and quality time once I’m settled!).
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While fun and out-of-the-norm experiences are growing in popularity, it’s wise to look at the simplest of activities as a way to check in and connect. A daily, or even weekly walk through the neighborhood, or an evening playing a card game can foster conversation and connection.
3. Find intersection somewhere
Life can’t always be about taking turns, so we’ve searched for ways that we can enjoy things together. I love British television and true crime documentaries, and he loves nerdy shows like “Wheel of Time” and superhero lore like “Umbrella Academy.” Still, we both love old ‘90s and 2000s sitcoms and nature documentaries. So, we save our “own” shows for our own time but connect over whatever we can share a laugh or a cry over.
We also love to bond over food, which is easy to do because everyone has to eat! We make sure to put effort into finding food that we both like and use cooking and creating meals together as a time to connect. Just hanging out in the kitchen and working toward a common goal of feeding each other brings a sense of purpose and shared mission, as well as fun!
4. Connect over what truly matters
While my spouse and I have varying interests and preferences, we share opinions on many of the big things. We attend church together and connect spiritually through that forum, as well as sharing many values. If you’re not sure where to start, consider exploring spirituality together, whether it be reading a book together, visiting a church or gathering, or even just talking through what beliefs are deepest and most sacred to you.
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At the end of the day, my spouse and I are on the same page with many things that truly matter, and it serves us both well to focus on and remember them when we are tempted to complain about whatever differences we may have.