Early in the COVID pandemic, one of my churches held a virtual gathering of our leaders and elders. During the meeting, our pastor asked us to choose a few members from a contact list of people in our congregation and check in with them. We divided the list based on people we had existing connections with. We asked them how they were doing. Did they need anything? How could we better be present for each other?
We wanted to let our community know we were there, even if we were physically apart.
One of the congregants I reached out to by text said, “I’m doing okay, but I’d love for you to keep checking in.”
I loved that response, and I pledged to keep in contact. It was nice to talk, and because of social distancing, I suddenly had a lot of free time!
RELATED: Finding a Faith Community After My Big City Move
So, I set a reminder in my phone to check in again a few days later. While I was at it, I also came up with a list of family and friends to check in on, too. I sent my people a quick text asking how they were doing.
It was a really meaningful way to connect through our isolation, so a week later I did it again. And again the week after that.
The list of people I checked in on every week kept growing. Sometimes, they were connections from the previous week, sometimes they were people I knew who were going through hard times, and sometimes they were just folks I hadn’t talked to in a while. I would often let them know “I have adopted a practice of checking in with people to maintain connection while we are all at home. How are things going for you?”
I kept these check-ins going long after things started to open back up and return to normal.
Before doing this, I hadn’t realized just how often I’d thought about one of my friends or other loved ones, but didn’t reach out. It’s easy to think, I’m too busy, or I feel guilty for not having reached out sooner, or I want to have time for a good long conversation. I wanted to give people I love more time than a brief moment.
RELATED: How to Be a Better Listener
I found I’m not alone in this. Many people I reached out to would say, “Wow I was actually just thinking of you!”
I was also surprised how often people had a lot to say when I checked in with them — they were just waiting for someone to ask.
I loved how these catch-ups made me feel closer to the people that I care about. It made me realize how much closeness is built out of sharing the little, everyday moments rather than the big events — something I didn’t fully appreciate until I started these check-ins.
If this sounds like something you’d like to try, here are a few steps that worked for me.
I set an alarm to go off once a week (I chose Friday mornings) and set aside an hour or so. It’s good to be flexible in case some people have a lot to say, and of course the more people you reach out to, the more time it will take. I go through my texts and my other messages, and I message people.
There’s no set rule for the number of people. I touched base with quite a few at my peak, but any number is fine – five people, 10; even one is fine. Most often, I send some variation of, “Hey, checking in,” or “I was thinking about you,” or even “Happy Friday!”.
If I have something big going on, this is also a great opportunity to share good news with people, or to get their advice if I’m going through something difficult.
RELATED: Low-Cost Ways to Brighten Someone’s Day
Some people write back a lot. Some people just send a few words. Don’t be discouraged if you don’t receive a reply right away. Especially if they have a lot to say, it might take some time to write it out. Some people might not reply at all, and that’s okay too.
Some of us (by which I mean me) are easily distracted and occasionally forget to reply, but that doesn’t make it any less meaningful to hear from loved ones.
I think a check-in system like this makes it a lot easier to keep in touch with people and deepen relationships. It helped me realize how often we all have things we need to talk about; we are just waiting for someone to ask. It also helped me realize how much intimacy is created in knowing the little details of people’s lives, things that can be shared in a few minutes. Finally, it helped me realize that brief check-ins can create a big impact, and that consistent outreach is no less meaningful just because it is only for a few minutes at a time.
So if this sounds like a practice you might want to adopt, I encourage you to give it a try in your life and see how it goes!